A few weeks ago I hit a low I didn’t even know I had. Several days of running in crisis mode, worrying about too many little details and being a go-between for arguing family members left me burned out. Then I sank from there. I got into a dark place of WTF – why was I breaking my neck for people who could care less? I didn’t expect accolades, but a ‘thank you’ would have been nice. It progressed into a general feeling of worthlessness, of living an unremarkable life, of realizing no one really gives a damn or worries about me the way I worry about them. Oh yes, a true pity party and I spared no expense! I was never suicidal, but I did really want to just pack my shit and leave – or crawl into the fine bottle of bourbon sitting in my cabinet and never come out. I didn’t do either one – instead I tuned the world out and slept. A LOT. I went through the motions of life in a zombie-like phase for about a week. (Apparently I should have reread my own blog post https://jenxian.wordpress.com/2013/05/02/strangled-with-my-wonder-woman-cape/)
Historically that’s about how long it takes my inner strength to rebound, reach for a clean pair of big-girl panties, and get back into the fight. Only that didn’t happen. There was only this hollow emptiness and that scared me more than I thought possible. Now I have a couple friends who have known some very dark places, and have experience with inner demons and human failings. The one I expected to answer was not available, and the one I didn’t think would take my call actually agreed to meet me. (Serendipity is a favorite word for good reason – good movie too) https://jenxian.wordpress.com/2012/10/02/wordsmithing/.
I know God put this man in my life for a reason, though not the one I originally thought it was. He let me vent, he understood the frustrations, and he pointed out some things that I hadn’t even looked at. I told him I was wiped out and no one even cared, even as I realized if he didn’t care he wouldn’t be talking to me – and I told him that too. Then he told me our hardest growth comes during our darkest times. Life lesson time!
He gave me a lecture on perspective, the power of prayer, my own inner strength, and followed up with a reminder that while I thought things were bad, they could always be much, MUCH worse. While it was a critical lecture, it was exactly what I needed, mostly because I recognized that he had been put in that place, at that time, to convey a very specific message. After some ice cream, more purging/lecture/venting/acceptance, and a desperately needed hug, I came away feeling like I’d been put through another emotional blender, yet surprisingly I felt renewed. I also left with a much needed attitude adjustment.
Sometimes we get so consumed by life that we forget our strengths (and apparently our own advice), and we need to be reminded that this too shall pass. Sometimes that reminder is as simple as a friend’s voice on the phone, and sometimes its a painful kick in the butt to get us moving again. After much prayer and soul searching I am definitely back in motion.
Now if I can just get my guardian angel to whack me over the head with the “aha!” stick – I need some direction for this renewed sense of purpose and direction. (Yes, I am aware I just Universally asked for it!)
Disclaimer: Yes I know I have other friends and family that love me and care about my well being. I continue to pray for those who are in their own darkness, facing their own trials and demons (including the very dear friend who gave me this kick in the butt).